Time slips by, quickly, inexorably

Its been ages since i last posted on this blog. Months and months. So much has happened yet when i look back, i wonder what i have achieved in all that time that has come and gone.

My relationship is faltering on the brink of an abyss right now. Dramatisation aside, it has been a really hard time and all i pray for daily is for us to resolve our problems and get back to the important stuff: loving each day spent together and mourning time apart. Sigh ..

Wallowing in self pity has been a recent sport of mine. Not too good i know, its taken a while for me to slap myself out of my small-mindedness and realise that what i was doing was not helping anyone.

Friends have been great. I will always treasure each time they have patiently met up with me to hear me whining. sheesh .. so embarassed when i think back to how big an idiot i was.

Med school.. oh boy... all i am glad of is that as i approach my graduation date, i can safely say that my passion for medicine is real and not something i dreamt up in a fantasy. I enjoyed every single day of my internship and i must say that my patients saved my soul everyday. From the motivational speaker i met to the fireman with the quirky outlook on life, each and everyone of them gave me more fuel to face another day.

Last note, while all has been bad recently, i still know that i love her, no matter what my reservations are about our future. Not puppy love but real love. As real as my passion for medicine.

Feel the breeze caress your skin, the sun's rays innervating you and live well

Travel bug

Was looking at my old photos earlier on and a deep hunger pang struck me. Not the kind of hunger pang that is satisfied by a trip to Macdonalds but rather a pang that can only be satisfied by trip to a place where they havent even heard of Macdonalds, much less seen one. Oh, i want to hit the road again with my sturdy shoes and my Millet strapped to my back.

Inadequacy.. a lightning bolt from the Heavens

Its been an emotionally exhausting period recently for me as i went through multiple short postings in medicine. Seems like the work seems to pile higher and higher. But thats nothing really new, i guess. More draining is the way life swung from one extreme to the other in almost a split second, the quintessential dichotomy that occurs in my life all too frequently. Barely 2 weeks ago, i was feeling not too bad, like i knew my stuff or at least, knew enough to keep me happy and satisfied. Then over the past 2 days, it seemed like things deteriorated to the point that now i question the time and effort i have spent studying over the past 2 years. It seems that i am no closer to being the doctor that i want to be then when i first entered med school.

Lets see, a synopsis of events. First was the human patient simulator where i failed to pick up a condition that i thought i was intimately familiar with. Luckily it was only a simulator and not a real life on the line but i must admit that it was unnerving to watch the 'patient' desaturate and go into shock due to my inadequacy. If that wasnt enough, today i committed a cardinal sin in medicine, allowing my mind to freeze when i failed to intubate a patient properly. The patient had to go without air for nearly 2 mins as i fumbled. Then, i had to give it up and hand the procedure over to a doctor. To make matters worse, my mind froze after that i didnt know how to react. True, that was a difficult patient and all that but i had more faith in my abilities til now. guess i have to reevaluate things and make amends for myself. Oh well, time to sign off. Need to wallow a bit in self pity

life ... no life

arrrhhh did i say in my headline that life is not about persevering but about enjoying?!dammnnn... dont think i enjoying now.haha its been really really busy. darn... anyways, sorry to all my pals who i promised to meet up with but keep pang-sehing them. k k gotta run, gonna get something nice for my girl before she flies off into the sunset .take care all

Hippo

Horror of horrors, i have just found out that i am the heaviest person in my group. Ouch... there goes the last remnants of my shattered ego.haha speaking of weight, i gave in to my inner devil and wolfed down an oily chicken cutlet today for lunch. I just couldnt take it anymore... those succulent little bits of oily chicken, just begging to jump into my mouth. Sheesh, remember how i always write a post whenever i am stressed? yea, writing this cuz i am trying to delay going to the gym to run off the extra calories i put in today. sigh.

Had a good chat with zhen yesterday and she was groaning abt some rather unpleasant canine females ( to be polite ) in her office who push her around. Was interesting hearing her talk cuz i havent heard her say so many fu.. vulgarities in a long time.haha hope things get better for her. alrighty, i best be getting my fat ass to the gym. ende'

Couch potato

Its been a long time since my last post and once again I feel the need to pen down my thoughts and set in order the clutter in my restless mind.

First and foremost is my reincarnated relationship with my first love, Lyn, who i had a whirlwind romance with back in secondary school days. An enigma that has accompanied me along life's path even though we went our separate ways in college as my poor friend, zhen, can attest to, having been forced to listen to my wistful sorrows for 4 years. As serendipity would have it, things fell into place again when we met up again recently and the sparks were still there. Its something in her eyes, i swear it, that makes my heart flutter. Its been a fantastic few months except when i keep screwing up and being a lousy boyfriend recently. Sheesh, i have no excuses for myself, well, to be honest, i kept trying to defend myself initially but in the end, no excuse is good enough for being a bad bf. Note to all you guys out there. haha. Its been troubling me a lot that she isnt as happy as i want her to be and perchance it may be cause i am trying too hard to do the big stuff that i forget the small things that every relationship needs to sustain itself like the sms-es, backrubs ( mine are terrible so i shall skip that ), the little gestures like getting her a drink etc. Not to mention the terrible terrible date planning which has been rubbish so far on my part. Need to plan better dates. Dammit. Oh well, who said loving someone was suppose to be easy.

Work. Work. Damn WORK!! I am getting slightly bonkers cuz all my work is piling up. Its nonsense i tell you. I recently and finally passed on management of my overseas project to the capable hands of my juniors and i thought it would be time for a rest. But no, no bloody rest for the weary. Barely minutes after i relinquished the project, in toddles the other damn items on my personal checklist, my research project in NUH, my preparations for my finals and my new upcoming project with the Eye guys in TTSH. Darn it. Thank God i have lyn around to keep me sane as i plod thru all this. Kinda glad she is ard so that i can lavish my attention on something else other than work. Sigh, turning workaholic again. Not good stuff.

My life outside of work and relationship. NIL. Zilch. The culprit? Me and me. I been wanting to start some new stuff like hitting the beach more often on sat mornings when lyn is not ard but i keep running into barriers like my abovementioned research projects and the superglue on my bum attaching it to the couch. Sigh, where did my discipline go. Was thinking of resuming cable skiing but i heard a horror story of how a guy faceplanted himself in the water at east coast and came up with a jellyfish for a mask. No thanks. I prefer my sushi sliced in pieces and not that fresh.

Oh well, doing my pathology posting now and God its dry. Boring stuff but ultimately important. Sigh, as is most things. Take care all and wish me luck as i keep stumbling ard in my life.

Workaholic

I feel almost stifled by the madness that is work over the last few weeks. From the research project that i am doing to the overseas project that i am growing increasingly concerned about, all feel like a heavy log across my shoulders. Sheesh, its hard to juggle all this and still continue on with life. But the really sad thing is that i use to juggle more and still keep my sanity back in college days. Somehow along the way, i lost the ability to handle so much shit without buckling. Not that i am buckling now, oh no, i am hanging on but its just that its much harder to do that now compared to last time. Sigh, anyways , nothing much new is happening in my life. Started dating my first girlfriend again and its been fun. Oh well, thank God for the little things in life. Take care all